where to start?

where should i start? i havent updated this blog in ages. been lazy. heh...
life...i wouldn't say it's been bad...neither has it been good.
bad things - precious friend avoiding me... feeling lonely sometimes... seem to keep more things to myself now...especially when i'm down... don't know what i'm doing sometimes... still feel like giving up sometimes... like everything's too difficult... missing someone...
good things - a certain friendship getting better again... God is still with me even when i'm STUPID... family time has been good... bought my COAT! :D n some other "stuff", at last... had supper and a good chat with audrey; "thanks auds!!! we'll be having more of these chats rite??" .... looking forward to seeing some friends tomorrow...
hmmm...can't really think now...sleeppyyyy....

a few updates:
family dinner this year (8 Feb 2005) was different. us KIDS had to do the cooking! but it was fun... and us cousins had a good time together in the kitchen!! :D was sad that kev and alee couldn't be with us though... well, our cooking was pretty good... we got all our parent's approval. grin* and while we were "slaving" in the kitchen, the adults were playing scrabble out in the hall. later that night, the kids beat the adults flat in BOGGLE!!! wooo hoooo!!! we've grown smarter! lol...

they next day...visiting time!!! from PJ to Cheras to Ampang to Midvalley...went to visit some grandaunts since our grandparents are no longer around...as well as daddy's kor kor's place... was good to see some cousins there...and a niece.. my nephew wasn't there though. hopefully will see him tomorrow during the dinner (paternal side). my lil malay cousin has grown so tall!! looks more like a primary school kid rather than a 4 year old. she's so pretty... if only she wasn't so shy... reminds me of myself when i was young - won't talk to anyone but my mummy & daddy. hehe...

looking at my life now...the trials just doesn't stop coming...it's a roller coaster ride... up & down.. round & round... sigh* can't wait to go to Acheh or any other Tsunami affected country. although it'll be dangerous, i'd rather be there to see their suffering and learn to appreciate what i have. plus all my lil problems will seem insignificant then. my heart really does go out to these people...watching the videos of people losing their loved ones makes me cry...
"God...please comfort them...for nothing and no one can do so...."

~to bed~ zzzzz

life.....and LIFE CAFE!!!

classes...F.R.I.E.N.D.S....hot sun...spoilt fan...chatting...music...singing...dancing...lectures....tutorials...black out....hot!!! class cancelled!!! wheee...ericson...dance practice...gym...mission's trip meeting... n finally...LIFE CAFE!!!

the ambience was nice...could smell the food...tummy growling...music playing...emcees were great..."welcome welcome"...yadda yadda yadda....MAKAN TIME!!! sigh* i seemed alot hungrier before i started eating... don't know why i seem to lose my appetite everytime there's a barbeque. :( oh well...it was fun anyway... games time... met quite a few new people...all friendly & sporting!! :) was funny making fools of ourselves... lol...

fellowship...berbonding...song presentations by alvin, lenard, darren & last of all our FAN DANCE!! but guess what!! nearing our dance, Leona comes up to me "who's having our song???".. i stare at her blankly...silence...AAAAAAHH!!! we start running around...."AUDREY!! do u have the song???" "was i supposed to bring it?" "oh man!!" "LAPTOP!! do u have ur laptop?".." yes, but i don't think i have the song.." "CELINE!!! ur pen drive!! did u bring it??" "yes.." "is the song still in it??" "yes" .."AAAAAHH!! YES!!!" *all of us run to the laptop with the pen drive* "NOOO!! it can't read it!!" *running around again* "BOSS!!!!" to cut it short, Leona n boss had to go up to his place to burn the song.. :P we're such bozos!!! hahahahhaha....
finally... we're ready...the song's playing... wait a minute.. what the??? where are the words?? oh my gosh!! what's wrong with the song??!?!? what the heck!! the dance has to go on...so we had to dance to some weird, second voice, sounds n music only, techno-ish song... ROFL... weird and annoying... but nevermind.. guess we did OOOkay...

Praise GOD that everything went pretty well.... people had fun... n most of all...we got to fellowship with SO MANY new people. what's more? no one wanted to leave when it was over....everyone was still hanging around even when the chairs n tables were taken away. the guards had to chase us away.
one more night to go!! although i won't be there... but i pray that everyone will be blessed!! AMEN!!

: : ETERNALLY : :

i look to the sky
fluffy clouds in endless blue
n i think "how beautiful"
i look at the trees around me
the grass adorned with flowers
oh so brightly...

how wonderful our God created
the earth & all within it
how marvelous He made us
in His own awesome image
just to be with Him
eternally...

sometimes life seems meaningless
full of troubles & sadness
"what's the point?" we wonder
how can we not remember?
that Christ will come again
to take us home to be with Him

it's beautiful
it's unbelievable
it's indescribable
it's undeniable
eternally...

CUZ time!!!

and so....there's no more excuses for not studying... Cyber Christmas is over...well, sorta, after LIFE CAFE anyway. gotta work hard this semester! sigh* it's what i say EVERY sem! but i really gotta get things together... been pretty slack for the past few sems.

CC...many dissapointments...discouragement...arguments...tears...in the end, we had to just surrender it to God, & let Him use whatever we had to touch & make an impact on those who came for the event. I guess God was teaching many of us to TRUST Him & not to depend on our own abilities and strength.after the night, there were still certain things & words said that left me hurt & disappointed. but i just thank God that the message WAS still delivered through the drama & band.

COUSINS!! man!!! at last!! i get to see my "kor kor Kevin"!! yes...that's what we all used to call him when we were younger. coz he's the oldest cousin. of course now it's just "kev". :P it's been at least 2 years since i last saw him. it's so sad though that his sister couldn't make it back...Justin's back though. Val's always been around. so it's only Alicia who's MIA. now there's only 5 of us together, when there should be 6. thinking back on all the good times we had together. we practically knew each other ALL our lives. grew up together. ate together, bathed together, played together, got caned together... LOL...
FRI & SAT - tiring but fun and pleasant. friday night, after dinner in Kim Gary's, 5 of us + kev's friends played boggle & CHARADES!! hahahaa....THAT was fun!!! we all laughed till we cried!! :D especially when justin had to act out "i'm having premenstruation period pains"!!! ROFL....
saturday - took them to The Curve, IKEA, IKANO & Tesco. had lotsa coffee & curry puffs in IKEA. :P later that night, we went to hartamas to look for our uncle's restaurant pub, "Backyard". some aunties and second cousins were there too. had dinner there then left to play pool & foosball!!! wheeee... was fun!! :)
oh well...it's a week of classes again...can't wait for the weekend to see them again....
* hope i get to go to NZ to join kev & alee there.

dEppReSsiNg NiGhT

was watching the news.... EARTHQUAKE!! sri lanka...indonesia...kelantan...kedah...PENANG!! TANJUNG BUNGAH!! MAR VISTA!! LANGKAWI!! DEATHS!!
my heart dropped. the blood drained from my face. i actually felt like fainting. face felt so cold...heart was practically trying to burst out of my chest. i rushed to the phone... called him... CANT GET THRU!! panic!! called her...YES!! she's okay!!! she said everyone's fine... THANK GOD!! made a few more calls n messages. thank God all my friends n loved ones are safe... this disaster really makes u realize how fragile life is. u can just "go" anyday. n it really makes u value life...n ur loved ones... i pray that God will protect them from harm.
but the news was so depressing...seeing people having to look in bags with bodies to identify their relatives.... i seriously can't imagine MYSELF being them. i was really praying for God to comfort those who lost their loved ones.
man!! these are really signs of the end times... it's scary...

besides the news... friends are going through depressing n upsetting situations too... SIGH*
what a depressing night!!

stuff

when u've been stabbed too many times...it doesn't seem to hurt anymore...u kindda just feel blank and empty. maybe coz all the blood has drained away. n all ur nerves are dead. heh..

well..Christmas is coming... hopefully it'll come with JOY & LOVE that i need so badly now!!
"Jesus...please help me to stop being stupid. Help me to focus on the important things in life..."

i'm pretty looking forward to seeing old church friends tonight...& then maybe chilling awhile at close friend's houses...

i miss my cousins...wish they were all back here...miss the times when we would spend EVERY Christmas together... sigh* why must we grow up and graduate and start working and get busy with our lives? life as kids was so much more pleasant and fun!!

JoY tO ThE wORLd...the LoRd iS CoMe...LeT eArTh ReCeiVe hEr KING!!!
BleSSed ChRiStMaS everyone!!!

???

where am i?
what did i do?
where do i go?
what am i feeling?
how do i leave this place?
how do i focus?
God help me...i'm dying inside...

BiTTeR sWeeT

so many thoughts in my head....i can't think straight.... how did this happen???
how did i fall for u? how did i lose u? why can't i let u go? why does it hurt so bad? why can't i stop crying? if we're not meant to be, why did our paths have to cross?
-bitter sweet-
that's the only way i can describe the trip. it was fun. it was so great being close to u again. n yet it kept ripping my heart out. it was as if i had a wound...n someone started stabbing n scratching at it.
why do u do the things u do? i feel like i caused it. i feel like i am to blame.
part of me is happy that i made this visit. coz now it seems like i am weaker. i'd rather be the one hurting then to see u hurt. n i've seen the friends ur with. the company u have. they're all wonderful people. i love them. n they adore u. u have so much around u. i don't know why u ever felt like u needed me. u don't.
u have such a bright future before u. i'm glad i'm not in the way to stop that. maybe my purpose in your life was to ease ur study days in KL. but now, i'll only be a burden. glad i was there when u needed someone. now it's time for us to move on...our different ways...
my heart aches. i miss u. but there's nothing i can do.
-broken-

about "u"

thought about u today...
missed u...
didn't realize i missed u this much...
my heart ached...
my tears flowed...
wish u knew i still care...always will...
wish u knew i still love u...i do...
hope i won't break down when i see u...
hope u won't hurt when u see me...

zher's back!!

ZHER'S BACK!!! bounce* i'm damn happy!!! whheeeee!!!! :D

major attack

was praying for friends....suddenly realized that EVERYONE is having relational problems at the moment...there are SOOOO many relationship problems going on around me. may it be girl with girl, guy with guy, girl with guy or guy with girl...they're everywhere...robbing everyone of unity n love.
it dawned upon me that this IS Satan's major attack plan - to break us all up...to divide us n make us weak...to take away our love for each other...to take away the efficiency of us working together as one in the body of Christ. so WHY ON EARTH ARE WE LETTING HIM WIN??!?!?!are we out of our minds?!?!?!?!

it's so obvious that this isn't just a coincidence that just about EVERYone that i think of IS having some kindda relational problem. it's so obvious that the easiest way to cause us to lose our focus is to play with our hearts, our emotions. once the devil gets us there, we can't do anything anymore. we can't concentrate on ANYTHING!! we can't get ANYTHING done!! we can't focus on the important things in life; like touching people's lives with God's love...like helping the less fortunate...like being more sensitive to those who really need our care n love. instead, we get so entangled in this mess of relationship problems that our lives revolve around it. n we just dwell in the hurt, the disappointment, the pain , anger, the sadness...
it's time we pick ourselves up people!!! are u hearing me?!?! we really gotta stand up and FIGHT against all this nonsense that is breaking us up! where's our LOVE? where's our GRACE? where's our UNITY? i myself am guilty of falling into this trap. but let's help each other out. let's laugh at Satan's face when he realizes he's failed.

"Father God, i just ask for strength to come upon ALL of us right now!! ALL of us who feel to weak to fight against these problems... i pray for LOVE to fill our hearts...FORGIVENESS to
fill our hearts...i ask that You help us guard our hearts n minds from the fiery darts of the enemy. help us stand strong united in You...in Jesus' POWERFUL name, AMEN!!!"

Colossians 3
vs 13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

vs 14
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

vs 15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
[The attitude of peace that Christ alone gives; in place of the attitude of bitterness and quarrelsomeness. This attitude is to RULE in ALL HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS]- from NIV study bible.

. :FRIEND: .

talked with a very special friend today... felt that i could've been there more but i wasn't. felt that i could've helped more but i didn't... :( maybe out of fear...maybe out of ignorance...
but there's no point regreting. life goes on...
i really hope i would be able to be more of a friend to her in the coming days, months, years...i really wanna be there for her when she needs a listening ear, a fellow sister who understands her pains, a shoulder to even cry on... she knows who she is.. i think.. :)

i told her this when it happened, but there's a possibility she didn't hear me over all the noise.
it was a sunday morning in church. n there was n alter call... me being on usher duty just stood behind the people who went up, n prayed silently from where i was for those i felt moved to pray for. when she was being prayed for, i started praying too...n i just started crying as i was doing so. i dont why, but somehow, the Holy Spirit just moved me to tears even though i didn't know exactly what was going on in her life.

"dear...u know who u are...God loves u so much n hurts when u hurt. be bold!! be strong!! u will get through this, n u WILL be victorious!! i'll be here to walk beside u....love ya lots!!"

jottings...

pool...a lil dancing...foosball...home...stacko thingy...CRASH!!...laugh laugh laugh...vibrating butt...laugh laugh laugh...uno MADNESS...tick tick tick...BOOM!!...laugh laugh laugh... :D

..missing someone...or ones...
..wishing the car was fixed...
..wondering bout the trip...should i? should i not?
..PG meeting...can't wait!
..movie tomorrow...hmmm...need car...sigh*
..listening to peaceful music...dreaming of the beach..gentle breeze..waves on the shore...
..time to sleep...thinking bout rat in the laundry room...locked it there. muahaha! good thing it didn't fly in my face again!!
..okay...time to sleep... zzzzZZzzZzzzzz....

iT's OVEERRR!!!! :D

exams are OOVVEEERRR!!! wwhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!.. :P that was the fastest ever finals i've sat for man!! first day-first paper-last paper... lol...
well, thank God it went pretty well...i did my best..leaving the rest to Him now.. :) the only thing i'm worried about is the graph. many student's carry marks are high. so getting an A will be difficult. sigh* oh well...nothing i can do bout that now...

so it's time to PAARRRTTEEYYYY!!!! n chill....n n.... hmmmm.. i don't even know what to do next...feeling too free...

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!!!

been feeling a lil lost...a lil tired...a lil dry...a lil weary...a lil disturbed...

but in church today, Ps Kenneth shared some things that spoke to me... n at the same time, God spoke to me as well...
Ps Kenneth stated that we need to focus on things that God wants us to. some things in our Christian walk are just NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!
many times, we just get so distracted by petty things in our life... when we should concentrating n working on things that are eternal.
that's exacty what was wrong with me. distracted. had worries n questions in my mind that shouldn't even BE there!
why am i getting caught up in things that shouldn't be of concern to me??
the answer was suddenly so clear to me... all the questions that i've been asking lately; "why? how?..." have been answered. God simply told me, "these are all distractions...FOCUS rachel FOCUS!! it's none of ur business...stop getting caught up in worldy matters..emotions..worries.." i knew now that all the "battles" in me weren't exactly a problem. just distractions that i had to ignore...
phew* what a burden was lifted from me this saturday night service. really felt so much more relieved...felt joy once again... :D yeay!! thank u Lord for enlightening me!! :P

MELAKA?

in the historical state of....MELAKA!!! woo hooo!!!ya rite...as if we come here for the history. hehe.. we come for the FOOD n PEOPLE!!was fun celebrating jeff's birthday in Paradise. nice romantic place. :)
today...watched the INCREDIBLES with weeliem n mich. i think the show is fantastic!! really really good... gotta watch it again man!! well, mich n i did some shopping after that. grin* both of us bought one piece of clothing each. :P
after that, we had dinner with justin, joash, sam n deric in friend's cafe. that was really fun. n what i ordered was really good!! yummy!!
after dinner we headed down to the beach opposite weeliem's hse. THAT's where our conversations got interesting!! talked alot bout relationships n stuff. mich n i felt old coz we seemed to know alot. experienced!! haha... sigh...conclusion was....
-don't get involved too early
-try to stay away from "one to one" outings
-trust in God that He'll bring u the best whom He KNOWS u'd want as well
....hmmmm...i can't remember the rest. too sleepy...yawn* oh well... i still think it's better to stay out of relationships now. saves u so much complications n problems. even TALKING about it was making mich n i feel frustrated... okay...brain is shutting down... good nite world.. or should i say, good morning... zzZZzzZzzzzzz..........

DaNciNG

was thinking to myself... when my back was still hurting, n i was gonna see a doc about it..some stupid thoughts crossed my mind. what if it's serious? what if a bone is out of place? what if it's CANCER or something? :P but there was only ONE fear in me...not whether i would die....but what if whatever it is forbids me from ever dancing again!!! gosh!! that really freaked me out!! i know i've always loved dancing....since young... n that passion has grown over the years... but i never thought that it meant THAT much to me. i would really be "dead" without the ability to dance. its like...its the only thing that i can do willingly even if it causes pain or frustration...n still obtain joy from doing it. i practically can't live without it. dancing!!! if only i could do it for a living!! *sigh*

"thanks leona darling for teaching us the fan dance. was super duper fun!! :D i bet ALL 3 of us had a great time!! 4 including u.. hehe...muaks*"

DON'T complain!!

i was reminded to write about this after reading Leona's blog-about being thankful... just last week, Esther & i had a conversation about how good people are at complaining about everything. how can we complain about petty things such as; "im fat!", "im ugly!", "my hair sucks!", etc. (even im guilty of the last one)...when there are people in the world who are BLIND, DEAF, MUTE, LAME??.. and THESE are the people who really know how to appreciate the lil things in this world.

some people question "WHY does God allow some people to be handicap or not have all 5 senses??" well, i believe that in many ways, these people are even more blessed, because they are the ones who really know how to find true joy, n experience an abundant life. unlike "perfect" beings like us who only know how to whine n grumble when we have pimples, or a bad hair day, or not have a supermodels body, or not look like Brad Pitt, or not have a gf/bf... and then we get all depressed, n think that we're the unluckiest people on earth, n that life sucks! ARGH!! im getting pissed just thinking about it!! how can we be SOOO ungrateful??? we had better start learning to thank God everyday for giving us SIGHT, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH, 2 HANDS, 2 FEET, 10 FINGERS, 10 TOES...what more can we ask for my dear friends??? u are SOOO blessed!! now use ur gifts to bless others!!

first music practice

and so...we finally got together to practice for my friend's wedding. a few of us used to play almost every week in church for praise & worship. sadly, most of us havent TOUCHED our instruments for more than a year. some 2... so the first thing i said when we reached church; "okay!! let's first learn how to play our instruments!! whheeee..." :P hehe... all of us felt damn scared to start.. all KARAT dy... we stoned for awhile... n i asked.. "so...how do we start?" LOL... damn funny ler!! we had a few good laughs. we were acting like we didnt know how to play at all. but when the ball started rolling, everything was good... NO we didnt forget how to make music. i think u can't really forget these things. maybe it won't be as smooth as it used to be...but it was okay... :) thank God! n it was fun!! sigh* really miss playing the drums!! especially with these friends...we have SO many memories together.
*dreeaaammm....*

Another Chance

this is just a song i wrote during my quiet time...was reminded on how i got another chance...n YET another one... even when i keep falling into the same pit. i believe all of us have our ONE pit that we keep falling into. but God never gives up on us. He doesn't even get tired of us saying sorry for the same mistakes we make! as long as we come back to Him, He forgives us of ALL, n i mean ALL our sins!!

Another Chance

He was always there
gave me all the love n care
but i strayed a lil too far
i fell a lil too deep
couldn't get out on my own
never have i felt so alone...

PRE-CHORUS
n so i cried out
cried out to my one true Saviour

CHORUS
n He came to my rescue
with loving arms that i once knew
pulled me out of that pit
never thought that i would get
yet another chance
yes, another chance

now i thought that i was strong
thought i knew how to get along
but again darkness conquered
n i felt lost more than ever
but i remembered there was somebody
who would never leave nor forsake me

PRE-CHORUS
CHORUS

BRIDGE
u might think u have no hope
u might think u've fallen too far
but don't u know He intercedes for u?
don't u know He's fighting for u?
He already died n rose for u
so whenever ur away from Him,

PRE-CHORUS 2
u just need to cry out
cry out to your one true Saviour

CHORUS 2
n He'll come to ur rescue
with loving arms u once knew
pull u out of that pit
always know that u would get
yet another chance
yes, another chance