....................................................................................

heart....aching
passion.....where is it?
the past.....won't you like to go back there?
emotions....hate em

...........................................................................

. : yawn : .

I... am...so... sleeeppiieeee.... *big yawn*

cramps are killing me.
eyes are heavy.
time is ticking away so slowly.
still working at 2am on a Fri night is bad.
3 and a half hours to go....

bla bla bla... mumble mumble...
-stoned-

The Job. The Journey.

You got the job!!!!! =D We were both delirious about it weren't we?
And you have an interesting testimony to tell.
I know you're gonna do great in this job, and become famous and all. :P
God's on your side and He will bless the work of your hands. Just give your best.


So now we've embarked on a new journey. The challenge of our schedules. I'm working while he's asleep, and vice versa.
How're we gonna handle it? Don't know. We'll just take it a day at a time.
I miss him terribly.
So does he.
But this is where we mature I guess.

"God give us strength. I pray most of all that we don't start fighting and letting out our frustrations on each other. Help us just cherish every minute we have together."

Accidentally in love?

The Shrek song is playin in my head... accidentally in love... accidentally in love..
:P

Were we? Accidentally in love?
5 years ago... We practically saw each other every weekend. We served in church together. But not more than 10 words were exchanged between us.

Words apart.

That's what we were. Not even the intention of becoming friends was existent.
All I knew about you was that you were Jack's bro and you play the drums.

Dance.

That's what brought us together. How that happened, only God knows. He must have orchestrated it. Because this is more than I could have ever dreamed of.

The smile.

That's the first thing that made me notice you. You flashed me the most genuine smile I've ever seen. I still remember which pillar in church you emerged from.

Closest of friends.

That's what we became. Don't know how, but we just clicked, from the first sms onwards. Your open-ness and real-ness drew me. We shared. We cared. We prayed for each other, with each other. I trusted you. I knew you had no intentions. It is by far the cleanest friendship I've had with a guy.

Attachment.

That's what we felt after some time. Emotional attachment. Humans can't escape that can they? We had our disagreements, upsets, disappointments, even as friends.

Realization.

That's what both of us experienced at different times. "I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy". "I can't bear to lose her". Yet, I chose to commit it to God. Put it on a shelf. If it's meant to be it will be. If not, our friendship is still amazing. I promised myself that I won't blurt anything stupid.

Denial.

That's what I was in for some time. Didn't wanna admit. Didn't dare to think or see us any more than what we were - Amazing friends. You had the same fear.

Testing waters.

That's what you did. haha... "I'm not THAT stupid you know.." :P Still, I didn't dare to hope.

The confession.

That sorta happened unexpectedly. Pounding hearts. Scattered thoughts. I couldn't believe it was happening. Bliss.

And the rest is history...

Accidentally? I don't think so. Coincidence? Nah... Divine appointment? lol..
whatever you wanna call it, I believe Someone greater is involved in the picture.
Our Daddy God... He's the one who got us this far. And it's getting better day by day. As long as He's in the center, it'll be beautiful.

"Thank you Papa... Thank you for this amazing gift, this blessing that I wouldn't even have dared to ask for."

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33

*yawn*

It's 3.30am... and I'm at work... and BORED!!! Why is it so quiet?!?!
Think I'm so used to the fast paced-ness of the EU shift that now I'm doing things too fast. So there's nothing to do anymore. yawn* Or maybe it's just extremely quiet.


Let's see... things I've been thinking about:
- My nigga
- Arize team and NZ
- Dance.. i wanna dance i wanna dance.. wanna take classes..

K.. now I'm stoning again... :|

two....more...hours...to...gooooo.....

Rombongan OA

When God says He will heal, He WILL heal.
When He says He'll take care of us, He WILL.
In fact, He doesn't even need to SAY it, because it's His nature.
He WILL look after us. He WILL bless us. He WILL provide for us....and the list goes on.

Was reminded about all this in during my recent OA trip.
Felt it was time for me to go for missions again... Don't wanna lose that passion.
And YEAY! I was picked to go for the May trip.
Ended up with an unpredictable team. But God truly bonded us despite the little time together prior to the trip. Elsa, Jason, Chee Yong; you guys are the best!!

Answered prayers:
1) God strengthened my knee - could hike 3 hours a day!! Woo hoo!!
2) Entered new village
3) Burdens (bag packs) lifted during our hike into the village.

God's goodness without even us asking:
1) Him preparing the order of our sermons and testimonies (nothing went as we planned)
2) Him sending us rain on our hike back - refreshed us, lessened the impact on our feet and legs, gave us lotsa fun. :P
3) His timing for our transport back

Things that make me wanna return there:
1) The simplicity and peace of the kampung.
2) The children; just them holding your hand, smiling at you, clinging on to you... melts my heart everytime.
3) The fun of hiking with a crazy team
4) The cute bamboo hut - being able to just drop anything (food) through the gaps knowing some animal will eat it up. haha..
5) The total reliance on God due to no modes of communication and everything being unpredictable.

At the end of it all, we're really reminded that it's no surprise when we see how our Papa in Heaven takes care of our every need. Coz it's His nature. It's just Him.
:D

6 months

It's been 6 months since I entered working life. WOW!!! Where did all the time go???
Feels like just yesterday that I had the interview.

And now we're already giving full support to customers. Doing problem management. Having Live Assists and Meet&Greets - something we were so fearful of in the beginning. I still get nervous, but we learn to act like we know what we're doing. :P

Sometimes I look back and still question why God allowed me to land in a job like this. I'm so thankful, yet so fearful that I'll take it for granted.

My manager has been awesome. My colleagues have been super fun to work with. Most of them anyway. I really can't imagine working with anyone else now. It's like I feel this is my family. :D I've even grown fond of many of my Shell customers.
And the more testing and problem management we get involved in, the more people we meet through VC. I love it!

Yea I have my bad days where EVERY VC goes wrong. And I work OT late into the night or morning. And there are of course the few times when we get screwed by a customer, especially when dealing with the Executives. But well, it can't be all sunshine and rainbows...

My shift is almost over. Signing out for now. ;)

3 Months

It's been 3 months. Wow. The most amazing 3 months in my life.
Never thought I could feel this way.
Never thought I would feel this way so soon EVEN if it were possible.

There is not ONE thing about you that I dislike yet. You're like a dream come true. A real life fairy tale?

you.me.God....together, it will always be a beautiful picture. :)

Afraid to love. More afraid to lose.

I searched for the lyrics after you mentioned this song. :)

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

-Sarah Mclachlan-

today

Today,
Work is slow... Everyone's still on hols. Especially in Europe and the States.

Today,
He's pissing me off again!! Why do people like these even work?? Might as well stay home and leech of someone else!

He's making me smile again, as usual. Gives me goosebumps, or the warm fuzzy feeling as well sometimes.

He actually came to our Christmas play! But I overlooked it and didn't think he'd come. I'm touched that he made an effort. But I wanna KICK myself for NOT making the effort.

He's so funny and lovable. Wish he were still working here in Cyber.

I'm trying to think of more "he"'s or even "she"s but I can't. Yes, I'm that free and bored. Should've just taken leave today...ish!

: : Mind Storms : :

God... I've gotten it wrong SO many times!! How do I know when it's right?!?!
Lord I don't wanna make anymore mistakes. I don't want anyone hurt again.
How do you know, God?? How do you know? How do you know?

2 outcomes
-> 1) crash & burn
-> 2) seek

I've drilled it into my head for years:-
"No. Don't. It's wrong. Stay away. Negative. Negative. Negative. Negative."
Will I be blinded even when it's Positive?

Peace. That is what I will need. It's what I want to feel when the time is right.

Beautiful. But for how long? Forever?

A blessing. For always, I pray.

Joy. Overflowing. Everlasting.


To honour You. To worship You. To make You smile. To draw us closer to You. To be a light in this dark world. That's the way it should be.

-This I place in Your hands-

The Journey

Sometimes we think or worry about the end of the road too much. That we forget to enjoy the lil things along that road. The beautiful wild flowers. The trees blowing in the breeze. Birds chirping. Butterflies and dragonflies fluttering in the fresh air. Little animals scampering on the green grass. White puffy clouds sailing in an ocean of blue. The sunset. The sunrise. The moonlit and star-filled sky.

Sometimes we just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. In the end, even if the end of the road isn't quite what you expected. Or NOT what you expected at all, it would've been worth it anyway, because the journey itself brought you joy, helped you grow, taught you, added value to your life.

Dum dee dee dum....*whistles down the road with a smile on my face*
Actually, I can't whistle. LOL...

"Papa, with you holding my hand, this life is gonna be GOOD... Even though the storms will come my way, I have nothing to fear."

"And you, you, you, you...you, you... you and you, you.. yes you too...you, you, you, and you, and you.. oh! and you.. you and you and you...AND YOU! Thank you... for being the beautiful things in this journey of mine. I could not ask for more. I love you all."

shaky ground / shifting sands..whatever you wanna call it

After all you've gone through, the one thing you thought was stable.
The one thing you thought was the basis of everything.
Where you thought won't go wrong.
Suddenly that too decides to crumble beneath your feet.

What's this all about then?
Where can we confidently call "safe"?
What can we hold on to knowing that it'll never give way?

The answer is simple - God.
He's the only one who remains.
He's the only one who never changes.
He's the only one who will NEVER let us down. NEVER disappoint us.

I guess this is where we learn to fully depend on the only Constant in this life.
To not look at man.
Even leaders fail us.
This is where we learn to mature.
Because we now start to ultimately find council in Him, who's all knowing. Who's in control.

"Abba Father...i put my trust in You and You alone. You hold my world. You hold everyone else that I care about too. And I know you have good things in store for all of them."

: :blessed: :

Let's see... been working slightly over a month now.. It's been awesome.
The colleagues I've been meeting. I couldn't ask for better.
So far 2 senior engineers from Spore have taken turns to come to Msia to help us out. One more will be coming the week after next. They're all amazing.
My satisfaction at work - providing excellent service to our clients. When they're happy, I'm happy. This motivation, together with fantastic colleagues, makes me look forward to work everyday.
Things will change though once we start working 3 shifts. Won't see most colleagues most of the time. Will probably miss them... including my manager. Gotta start making new friends then. heh... if not it'll be lonely working during AP shift or even graveyard hours.
Well, hopefully I'd get to know my US and UK colleagues more during these hours. :P Although it'll only be through online chat.

"Lord, may my colleagues be blessed. May my manager be blessed. May my company be blessed. Your presence go before me as I work here."

-More amazing still is my Father in heaven. Who blessed me with all this. -

cRaP

Yup. That's how you feel sometimes. Now, is one of those times. Oh well...
Guess I'll hit the sheets.

-Good night world-

: : HeaLeD : :

Oh, We stutter and we stammer till You save us
A symphony of chaos till You play us
Phrases on the pages of unknown
‘Til You read us into poetry and prose
We are kept and we are captive till You free us
Vaguely unimagined ‘til You dream us
Aimlessly unguided ‘til You lead us home

CHORUS:
By Your voice we speak
By Your strength no longer weak
We are no longer weak
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

Passed over and passed by until You claim us
Orphaned and abandoned ‘til You name us
Hidden and disclosed ‘til You expose our hearts

CHORUS:
By Your death we live
It is by Your gift that we might give
That we might give
And by Your wounds we are healed
And by Your wounds we are healed

What kind of love would take your
shame and spill his blood for you
Save us by His wounds
By Your wounds, we are healed
By Your wounds, we are healed
What kind of love
By Your wounds, we are healed
Tell me what kind of love is this
By Your wounds, we are healed.

-Nicole Nordeman-

Kept listening to this song, to remind myself that by His wounds I am already healed. My back really hurt. For no reason!!
Don't recall doing anything that might've sprained or strained it.
It started hurting yesterday.
Woke up this morning to find that I could hardly stand or walk.
Even sitting down was agonizing. :(
Actually, even lying down caused me pain. Had to gasp for air everytime I moved coz a sharp pain shot down my back whenever I did.

Praise God that it's better now after spending the whole day in bed.
In ONE position! sigh* But yea, the pain has subsided. The medication probably helped too. But most of all, My Healer has touched me... I'm grateful for those who have been praying for me. :)

. : weight : .

-tired-

Starting to feel the weight of balancing work, church, social life, and personal life.
Man...feeling pretty tired...
"God, give me wisdom to know which are the things in life to focus on as well as those I should let go a lil.. Most of all, strengthen me with Your joy... That I may do my best in all things that You have called me to do and that I am committed to."

Good night world! A brand new day awaits me...

-zzZZzz-

When I heard the rough job scope of my job, I liked it.
Now that training has started, and I'm finding out more about what's required of us,
I STILL like it!! If not more!
I'm actually finding things that I hated studying in uni, interesting now! LOL...
Studying it for exams is so different then actually seeing it being used. The technology is so cool!! Can't wait to get into the details. Today was only an overview of all the technical stuff. Gotta start reading up again about ISDN, TCP/IP, PCM, FDM... hehe...

Bumped into got spotted by a gazillion old friends from various times in my life today whom I didn't know works in Shell and I haven't seen in years. grin* So many people to catch up with!!! Many lunch appointments on the way!!

OH! During training we also got to meet our colleagues in Singapore through the video conference. SOOO FUUNN!! They're all great people! And I think my manager is the best in the world! :P Couldn't ask for more...

And once again.. thank You Daddy God... thank You thank You thank You...

1st day of work.

1st day as a conference support engineer in ACT Teleconferencing.
Well, we haven't gone live yet. Training will be till end of the month.
But the first day went well. I enjoyed myself. :)
Still think I'm really blessed with a super nice boss.
With a good working environment (in Shell).
With very professional people training us.
Even the helpdesk is SOOO professional.
I know that coz I had to call them like 10 times yesterday!! lol...
Had to settle smartcard and my desktop issues. Make sure they're working fine and all.
Their system is too canggih dy...
Even the telephone that we'll be using are so canggih!!
SOFT PHONE!! Ever heard of that!?!? Appropos to be exact.
The training by shell bout Appropos usage was pretty fun. Hands on practice. :D
I have SOOOO much more to learn! And I'm looking forward to it. WHEEEEEEEE!!!

"Jesus, go with me to work everyday. That the company be blessed because of Your presence."

: : mess : :

Why does there exist such a thing called emotional attachment??? Doesn't it just mess people up?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*breathe*

There! just needed to let it out.

"Rachel stop being a dumbass!"